Dec 29, 2009

I swear black women have to be the most analyzed group on the planet. Everyone wants to do a show/article on why Black sistas are single. From Yale to MSNBC and now ABC is throwing their hat into the ring. Everyone wants to know what is the reason behind 42% of black women never being married. Because heaven forbids if these women never get married then obviously their lives don't mean anything...SMDH!!! There is always this research talking about why black women are not getting married but no one ever wants to dig deeper into the problem. We only want to talk about brothers being incarerated or black women standards being too high, but no one really wants to get to the root of the problem. We only want to scratch the surface because the surface is safer. No one wants to discuss why our men are more likely to go to prison than to go to college. No one wants to applaud sistas for actually have standards. No one wants to discuss why black men and women are perceiving each other to be the enemy.

We are so hell bent on pointing fingers that the chances of us coming to a solution is slim to none. Instead of focusing on why 42% have never married how about we do a show on the 58% that did get married and see what they think? GLASS HALF FULL PEOPLE!!!!


  1. I must say that you made a great point. I am a newlywed and many of my single girlfriends ask me how I "caught" my man and where I met him. I think we should focus on married people and why they got married and I'm sure a common denominator would start to appear. Also, it's not just Black women who are single!!

  2. This is a toughy for me. I generally do not feel a need to succumb to the pressure to get married, yet I understand that society will look at me as somehow lacking, regardless of my reasons, which kind of makes me second-guess my stance. Only kind of :)

    My main issue with marriage is that my exposure to it has been overwhelmingly negative. The number of black women I know who have never been married, including myself, can be counted on one hand; however, no black woman who I know personally, or even know casually, who has been or is currently married, has a positive outlook on it. And it's not that their views stem from non-serious issues like their husbands don't take out the trash or flirts with the cocktail waitress too much; they have stories of repeated infidelity, major financial woes, and domestic abuse.

    This occurs across generations, too; my dearly departed grandmother, who was married for 42 years until my grandfather passed away, told me that while she thought that everyone should be married once, she did not believe that marriage should last a lifetime. This came from a bible-thumping, Sunday-school/early service/bible study Christian black woman, who grew into adulthood at a time when divorce was an exception, not a rule. However, her direct message to me was that marriage was not the beautiful institution they lead us to believe.

    So, my observations have left me wondering why we get married at all? I can imagine that many married women would tell me they did it because they loved their husbands, and I'm sure this is true, but every black woman I know who has been married did it for love, so...

    Although my observations have left me jaded to the thought of getting married, I fully realize that the proportion of the black women I know who have gotten unhappily married, while relatively large, only constitute a small number of married black women in the nation. It could be that there is something off in our decision-making process in this geographical area, which results in a higher number of unhappy marriages that end in divorce and unhappy remarriages. What I do know, however, is that looking at the experiences of my grandmothers, my mother, and countless cousins, friends, and friends of friends, I don't necessarily feel the need to get married. And I don't necessarily feel that this situation is all the brothers' fault, either. I think that there is a fundamental inability to appreciate all the work that goes into making a marriage happy and successful, with both sides bearing some of the blame.

    I say all this to say that while many black women may genuinely be single due to a lack of suitable mates, there may be some who, like me, personally no longer see the rhyme or the reason of marriage. I don't want to come across as anti-marriage (although it might seem that way); I hear that marriage done right is a beautiful thing. I just don't see enough positive examples to make me want to do it, and perhaps this is the case for many of our single sistas out there.

  3. sosogoood313-it's awesome if you are truly happy being single and if you are content with your life. This article and many of the newscasts that discuss this topic are about the millions of Black women who yearn to get married but can't. However, your comments lead me to wonder if you would want to get married if you had an example of a successful, happy marriage.
    Too many people enter a marriage thinking it's going to be all roses and fun, and forget that it's hard work! I am sorry for the many women out there who chose the wrong man but they need to investigate what it was about them that made them choose that man.
    As for your grandmother, even though I'm sure she's a wonderful woman in her own right, no matter how much she goes to church and despite her experiences her comment that marriage shouldn't last a lifetime is wrong and goes directly against God's Word and the vows she made on her marriage day.
    Women shouldn't feel a "need" to get married but remain open to the fact that if a good man finds you (and see the emphasis on him finding you-not the other way around) then maybe that's the man you should marry. My parents have been happily married for 35 years, my grandparents are about to celebrate their 60th anniversary and my maternal grandparents were married for 30 years until my grandmother died. There are many examples of happy marriages and I pray that more women (not just Black women) will get to experience it.
    Marriage can be good for the soul and even better for the children that result.

  4. Good post. From the black man's perspective, the points in the video are true, however the video did not give any solution the issue. While there are countless numbers of "good women" out there, the number of men that these women would consider compatible is depressing.

  5. I don't believe that single Black women should be pitied. Black women are not the only ones single. The topic should be discussed across the spectrum and not like there is some phenomenon among Black women.

    I wholeheartedly believe that two are better than one. Whether that two means a spouse, a best friend...It's great to have someone in your corner. Having a co-pilot has its rewards.