Jan 28, 2013

When your friend goes through a divorce, guess what, you go through a divorce too.

I've never had the joy of experiencing a marriage...or a wedding while we're at it.  I've never had the excitement of a man proposing or the welcoming frustrtation of having to pick out a wedding dress that matches my Old Hollywood Glamour esthetic but meets with my mother's approval.  I've never had to listen to bridesmaids complain about their dresses, and I've never gotten the chance to get upset at my Maid of Honor for hiring a stripper after I specifically told her I didn't want one at my bachelorette party.

I've never gone through the frustration of trying to decide whether or not to hyphenate, completely change, or keep my last name.  I haven't had to go through the dilemma of trying to figure out how to mesh my world and his as it comes to our living together (unfortunately we didn't do this earlier because shacking was not option).  How many bank accounts will we have, how many kids, how are we going to pay the bills, hating my in-laws, rising the kids, holidays as a family, first day of school, couple's counseling, you name it I have yet to experience it.

But I have experienced the awfulness of divorce.

Watching two of my close friends experience the shattering of their worlds was like going through it myself.  I don't know how many times I cried until my eyes were bloodshot red being the listening ear, or how I endure the five stages of grief.  I swear I got to and stayed on the 'Anger' stage far longer than they did.  There was no denial for me...LOL!  I jumped right to 'Anger.'

I've always prided myself on my ability to give good advice, but when a person is going through something as heartbreaking as a divorce, there's no amount of advice you can give them especially if they were blindsided by the break-up which is exactly what happened to one of my friends.

They can understand what you're saying logically, but their emotions are too overwhelming that they can't comprehend what is being offered. 

The hardest part for me has been listening to my girlfriend tear herself apart as to why her marriage broke up.  Everything was her fault as far she was concerned.  Had she just been a better wife and not devoted so much time to her career, her husband would never have strayed with another woman.  No amount of encouragement I offer her, the pain is too deep for her to receive it.

I know this too shall pass, but when you're going through it time appears to stand still.

Have you ever gone through a divorce?  If so, was there anything that was a comfort for you? 

1 comment:

  1. I went a divorce several years ago. The only thing that was a comfort for me was the Word of God. I had to literally saturate my mind in it. Thinking on things that were true, lovely, good, etc. If I had not, I would have completely lost my mind. Divorce took me on an emotional journey that was utterly exhausting. I, too, was told it was my fault, I was not this or that as for reasons for his affair.

    However, I have come to realize that even if I were the 'perfect wife' the series of events would have been the same. My former husband and I were two hurting people. I heard a minister say once that, "Two hurting people will only hurt each other." Wow, was that a fact! Friends and family were there to offer support and encourage during and afterwards.

    A few years after the divorce I was able to truly forgive...him...and myself. I had to ultimately look at me. Ask some hard questions. Was our marriage really built on a solid foundation? Why did I really get married? What issues did I bring into the marriage that I should have resolved first. A few years ago, my former husband and I were able to have an honest conversation and we were able to bring some closure to a very difficult chapter. We did not reconcile but by the grace of God have maintained peaceful communication for the betterment of our daughter.